Being alright

The future is so uncertain.
And I have no idea what I want it to be...
I am so confused as to whether I'm enjoying the journey there...or do I just want to reach my destination and be done with it.

I pray I will turn out fine,
I hope that I would find something that would make me more compassionate, and just be able to care about the journey more than just Hoping that the end will turn out somehow "ok".

Crossing fingers that I would not regret the short term lazy-ass decisions i made in life...
Really hope I would become someone useful at least

Cheers to the uncertain future
I hope you won't hate the present me for making the decisions I'm making now ...

Fed up...I need my break soon

I seriously need a break soon
Been going on and on without rest since last September...

Went back home in Nov for barely 5 days...which I can't call that a break anyways...since that 5 days was pack with functions and meet ups...
Had a December break which was used for studying for that awful exam
Went to Paris after exams but could not fully enjoy it since results were not out
After that the worst happened and I lost another months worth of holiday studying
Then only a few days of break before rotations start
and It's just been going on and going on and going...

Going on for almost a year without a proper break where I can just shut off my brain and stop worrying about assignments, presentations and what to study...

Trying to get used to the weather, culture, studies, living out alone and being miles away from home where I spent all my life is tough...interesting experience of cause, but I really need my break now!!!

Please let holidays come now!!! :(

Home

Weirdly I get homesick NOT when I just left home, but it is when I'm about to go home...
Missing everything back home, especially the people...and yes the food!!!

Just one more month till home...

Sigh, stupid gloomy,wet and cold weather making me more depressed...thanks a lot British 'Summer'~~~

Hoping for the best of me...

Sometimes I wonder why the hell did I choose this path...
This terribly long, hard and stressful road to becoming a Medical Profession.

I am not crazily over empathetic
I am not a triple excellent top student
I am not  good at presenting or communicating
I am not great at anything actually.

But,
I somehow managed to get through 2.5 years of medical theory...(which I had no idea how I did it)
and had the worse 6 months of my life here studying for an exam where I cried,screamed, being depressed and had anxiety....and yet...I somehow again managed to get through that hellhole.

And now being in the more 'practical' part of my training, I do doubt myself from time to time...
How can I be as chatty or lovely as that particular student who is always the 'loved' one by staff and patients.
How can I be as brilliant as that particular student who has endless knowledge and answers for every question thrown at them.
How can I be as curious about everything as that particular student who always ask relevant questions and is always ever learning about everything around them.
...
Then,
there is me,
who is quiet, timid and trying so hard to just 'catch up' to the other students..

Some days I just feel like I had made the wrong decision to be in the medical profession, where I feel that my future patients will hate me and consultants screaming at me for doing stupid,careless things, where working long hours would just burnt me out and responsibilities would drown me and make me go mad.

But then there are days like today...

Where a patient who can barely walk ,got up and shuffle about walking towards me,just to tell me that he is leaving the hospital soon and that he is thankful for the help and would miss me...haha...It is so strange when just a Thank you from a patient, or a smile from them makes you feel soooo happy, and where all the stress and pressures just goes away for that very moment.

I know I am only a student and in NO WAY I have really 'helped' any of them.
But, I do enjoy talking to them, and even though I did not diagnosed them or cure them, but just maybe 'entertained' them and made them feel a little more important during their stay...well...I guess that is enough for them really...

So...yeah it's a longgggg way to go, and I know I have so much more to learn and brush up on...but to tell the truth...I guess it is all worth it in the end for that little thanks and appreciation from the patients...

Sigh...I hope I will turn out fine:)

Being Bullied

It's been a long time since I've been bullied...

I have forgotten how hurtful it is
and how helpless one feels when being degraded and insulted

how you wish someone would stand up for you
and most painfully, how much you HOPE you would have stood up for yourself

Today I was indirectly bullied
Being repeatedly put down
Being wrongly accused
Being left standing there faking a stupid smile while inside you just felt like punching the bully...

I guess no matter how much I have grown up
or how much I thought I was stronger and wiser to be able to defend yourself
In the end
I was bullied...

But whatever

They always say the Bullies are the ones with issues ..thus they will try to put people down to make themselves feel better...
So...I guess I have done good by letting that insulting hurtful A-hole feel better about himself....
Good Karma for the day I guess?? :DDD

Oh well, Tomorrow is another day...and It will be one NOT filled with bullies and A-holes:D


Stay Happy!!!!

Going back In TIME...

I want to return back in time
To a time where there were no worries, no responsibilities, no loneliness
Just only happiness, joy and freedom

So I got bitten by the 'how I wish I was a kid again' bug...
Been remembering how awesome my pre-adult years were
And If I had a chance  to return back to a certain time...It would be my High School years.
Yeah I know...High school...ahhaha...a lot of people would not want to return to that era where zits and growing up kinda sucked ...but for me...It was the best of times

Where my family and friends were always there with me
Where fun and laughter filled my day....Everyday of the year...
And where learning about life hurts...yet It made me stronger and more appreciative of who I am now.

I miss home
I miss my friends
I miss the memories...

How I wish time would have just stopped then

Sigh...

Why did I want to grow up so fast when I was a kid!!! dang it...


Growing Up really sucks...

WoRds...

The easiest way to hurt someone is not by physical pain...but by emotional pain...and one of the easiest way to inflict that pain is by Words.

You can just bring apart someone's world down...with just one hurtful comment...a Few words that you said carelessly and just laugh it away would make another person's heart burn with pain.

So please do not just utter out a comment and say: 'I'm just joking'...and then just put on your stupid smiling face and move on...because It does hurt...no matter if you really meant it, or you just said it for the hack of it...every word that comes out from your mouth is from YOU, which means you DO mean it in a way.

What makes it worse is that after someone is hurt by your comment, they must suck it up and put on the 'ok just laugh it off, smile and not bother about it' face to not make YOU feel like a damn prick...but really, deep inside...it just crushes them...each hurtful word being echoed in their heads...again and again...

Words do hurt...so please think before you say anything...

Starting of a new chapter

6 months....
that's how long I've been stressed out from exam...

Never in my life have I felt so much pressure...and so much emotions that engulfed me during those few months...anxiety,depression,confusion,anger and distress..... almost everyday for that 6 months...I've felt that way...

So many times I have questioned myself...am I good enough...what am I doing here....what the hell is all this pain I'm feeling...and....Do I deserve to be here..... In summary it was HELL during those times...

I've never been the smartest...or NEVER ever been the best at what I do for that matter......and yet I'm here pursuing something so difficult...so challenging........haha....I still can't believe I'm still SURVIVING this course....

Well...all the emo-ness aside...I have survived yet again....Pain,Failure,Tears....It was horrible...but at least it is all over...and a new challenge lies ahead again....


YEAH...now I can finally stop posting emo post and move on to happier post....

Only If

I've never been so scared in my life
In a shitty situation with shitty feelings...

what if things don't turn out well
what if I'm just too weak to carry on and screw all of it up

...

What am I to do...when my best was not enough...and now I need to push myself even further...
When every moment I swear to myself how useless I am...and blame myself for not being good enough...

I'm so tired...really very very tired....
I want to give all of it up...
and just sleep for one night without any worries...

What should I do....I . don't. know.

Chill Chill Chill

One more month till the killer exam...
where there is a 70% failing rate...
and I feel so unprepared that I constantly suffer from panic attacks...
Yet
I'm not studying....

What the hell am I doing to myself!!!

GAHHHH!!!!chill chill chill

Hopefully

I really hope everything turns out alright....
but... everything Is just against me...
and It seems so tiring and unfair...
Why must I go through so much challenges...

please let me be brave...
please stay strong~


You can do it...please remember...to be strong

Pls continue to be awesome....

Its been almost a month since I'm in UK...It was a whole mix of emotions I've experienced this few weeks...excited,anxious,scared,worried,happy,Crazy happy,depressed,rock bottom depressed,angry ect.~~~~ I feel like a crazy person with all this different emotions...

But it's really great...even though there were times i WISHED i was back in Malaysia with all the ppl I love...with no stress...with no worries...and with no problems trying to "fit in"...but I know this will make me stronger...and hopefully more independent.... to adapt with this new environment...and staying out by myself for the first time with no one to depend on....

Yeah it is tough...so many time I fell into the "OH MY GAWD!!!I"M SOOOOO DEPRESSED" mode...but luckily it just lasted for awhile before i got back to my "I"M GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!!!!" mode...

So yep....I'm enjoying myself...I have great friends here supporting me...did so many things I've never done before...and I've met so many great friendly ppl too~~~~

know it can only go downhill from now on(STUPID EXAM!!!!!)...but yeah...just be positive and have fun I guess~~~

sigh...such a random post=_=.... anyways....be happy and just DO IT!!!! lalalalala @_@

After every storm...the skies will surely clear up and be ever more beautiful ... So I know after every hardship...there's bound to be something great and spectacular waiting after the 'suffering'...:)

:)

Loneliness could be a pain in the ass
and
People might me cold and ignore you
and you will feel that no matter how hard you try ,
they will just keep on pushing you down...

but It will get better
coz no one is ever alone...ever
and happiness come to those who are willing to just put aside the "pity party" thinking and just keep on going....

so...
please continue to smile...
don't give up:D

Let's Do It!!!!!!!

It's a long road ahead...but let's make it a beautiful one:D

要学习。。。独立

很快就要开始新的生活。。。。
新的环境
新的考验
新的朋友
新的经验。。。

又怕又兴奋。。。不知将来的我会变的怎样。。。

希望，我会变得更坚强，更成熟。。。更快乐~~~

未来，我来了！！！
Let's GO!!!!!

Stronger

Please let me become stronger...I don't want to depend on anyone anymore~~~shall my new chapter in life bring me courage and strength....I need to be strong....
Let me have that tiny light in me to brighten up everyone's day...including mine

Delayed realization

It's been a LONG semester...and a very very stressful one....
4 days of awful exams are over and done with...and I have never felt so free for so long!!!

It had been study study,stress,guilt,depression,study ,study,sleep deprived,study...for the past 1-2 months non stop...it was quite terrible really...
and the worst part is...right after exam...when i was so super happy happy happy!!!i then had to collect my uni matching results....lets say it was not the result i wanted...

I just had a very near vision of my future (which was not a good vision)IF i went to this uni and i felt so freaking depress...no one i really knew was going to this same uni as me and it was just so depressing....it was terrible...plus it was the only uni that had an exam RIGHT AFTER you freaking go there!!!!and if you fail they will kick u out....like wow...tats just too much right after my exams and during my crazy hormone period...stress+stress+shocking news= total depressed breakdown....

yes its stupid...really...to get sad over this kind of thing...even now i think i was just immature ...coz once i calmed down and start focusing on the benefits of going to this uni...it was actually really good...

Its a really good uni...even ranked super high...and its really pretty and have great student support...plus its really close to my brother's place so thats awesome...so actually,its a good thing really....it really is great...so ya,now i'm really excited really:)

Well,everything does happen for a reason...sometimes life just throws you into something that you NEVER want...but in the end it will turn out even better than what you expected....so ya, just go with the flow i guess...

happy holidays....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Stress but fun???i'm going crazy...

Sigh....I now REALLY know what is SEM 5!!!!!gasp gasp gasp
Everyday is study study study(or TRYING to study that is)...
Not only i must finish sem 5 notes...but sem 3 and 4's too...which means that is ALOT to study...and i could not find the time to revise my sem 3s and 4s...coz sem 5's stuff is CRAZY hard...what the hell!!!!!!gasp gasp gasp

But...eventhough its stressful,but it's an enjoyable sem...coz i stay in uni more (to TRY and study) and theres alot of time to just hang with my awesome batch mates, study with them...and face the challenges together.....its really great!!!..i'm so going to miss all of them la...really great ppl to hang with!!!!!

one more month till my summative and 2 weeks after that is the KILLER FINAL EXAM!!!!!!!!!ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

ME109!!!!fighting!!!!weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

well,time to 'study'

Looking back~~~

Met up with my 3 best friends yesterday...and we gossiped,talked, played and laughed none stop for 7 hours...we went from one cafe to another...and ate alot too....tiring huh....hahahaha

It has been over 6 months since ALL 4 of us actually can meet up all at once at the same time...everyones was busy with their own things...so it was a very precious gathering~~~


We 4 crazy gals had been close friends since form 4...and unexpectedly, we all formed our own group called "the 4 so's"...4 so's????well, thats because we all have a very distinct characterisic~~~we have, so fatty, so skinny, so shorty/blakey and me so whitey...lame huh...hahaha

I am not sure how we 4 came to form this group...but all I know is that we were one CRAZY girl group...quite scary I think...
back in our highschool days...we did SO MANY 'illegal' things in our school...we were just one FUN and HYPER group...who was always high on something...:P
we always went to the 'forbidden' 7th floor to chill, we did so many weird polls and quetionaires on our classmates, we were gossip diggers , we had our 'bento thursdays' which was freaking fun, we had so many memories that we thought was lame that time, but precious now....

I miss my highschool days so much...It was tough sometimes...but It was so free and fun...
Since I studied in a Chinese school where EVERTHING was in chinese...thus we had SPM classes 2 times a week at night for 3 hours after our normal classes....omg it was SOOOOOO tiring...we needed to stay in school the whole day (from 7am till 9pm)for the SPM classes....BUT, IT WAS FUN!!!! because we stayed back till other teachers and students went home,so the school was EMPTY...so we could do so many crazy stuff...haha...can't stop giggling when I think back of all the outrageous things we done(to protect my image, I shall not further explain what I have done in the past~~~)


Yesterday was a great day,We looked back at old photos and videos together...and OH MY GAWD....I can't belive what stupid and crazy stuff I did back then...I think I was one of the craziest out of the other galz....should I be proud of that????:P
but It was so funny...

Thanks to my highschool craziest for the SUPER AWESOME memories!!!I ♥♥♥ you guys !!!

..............................................but..............

IT had only been 3 years since I left highschool...and sadly I'm not as fun as that time...sometimes I wonder why I became so 'old' so fast...and not having as much fun as I could out of life~~~boring sharon boring me...sigh~~~

Great memories, Great times....and I miss that SOOOOOO much...but that was a PAST chapter of my life...no matter how hard i miss that...it will only stay in my deepest,safest tresure box in my memories~~~and now I'm living a new chapter...which is the IMU chapter(a very long chapter indeed)...and this chapter aint that bad...its SO MUCH MORE stressful...but it's THE chapter where I mature and learn the most...It started off as a crappy chapter but later on the 'story' really kicked in and it turned into an AWESOME chapter ~~~

♥♥♥LIFE~~~~~~~